Of myself and of failures

I am off to Taiwan tomorrow. And I didn't update my blog again. That does it. I am redefining blogs. To my very own personal definition. I do it while bored stiff anyway. Most of the time, before I begin blogging, I am feeling bored and maybe, a little frustrated. Some blog to keep a log. I guess I do that too. Though the purpose of my blog remains as murky as democracy in China- there's some knowledge of it but you don't know where it starts and ends. I could say I want to end this blog, but that would only be as true as length of my newest hobby. I switch hobbies at will- after all, trying one too long is the missing of another equally interesting thing. So I have dabbled in magic, rubik's speed cubing, entering contest in sudoku, you get it. My skip to other hobbies is usually due to boredom- or just straight pissed off at something. And blogging is one of these hobbies.

These hobbies take a lot of time. Once I drew mazes. Those took up multiple lectures, especially the larger ones. Connected by foolscap papers, they confused the solvers quite a bit and the maker, me, even more. But I stave off boredom(which is also exactly the reason I am fucking worries about my A levels). I see people next to me drooling in their sleep. Some, I see writing stories, others, chatting. But these people, they always work in the end. My friends are always, without an exception, more hardworking than me. They disagree, of course. In every student's mind, no, every slacker's mind, the more they slack off and the higher the marks, the more intelligent they are. It doesn't always need to be about intelligence. It could just be because they need to look good. Or perhaps it's to do with their pride. When one scores 90 with 5 hours of work, an 85 with half an hour is always bragging rights. This is pretty bad stuff, this ego thing but I support the very concept of it. It's counter- intuitive in nature. One forces oneself to forget about the efficiency of studying when there's one superior. And since there's always one superior, one forces himself quite a bit.

And so it goes, the typical Asian student downplays his hard work and shows false modesty. All to achieve a personal sense of superiority. And I wish I was one of them. I am the rare few that achieve horrendous results most of the times, and achieve normalcy in the others. Rare few not because of the results, but because of the work that goes behind it. I do nothing. It's sad really, that I am the real deal. The "slackers" head off for tuition. They do their work, however little it is. They take some semblance of notes. Most of the times, it's enough.

They believe I am with them, the same kind of people. Not hard workers, but workers. Simple workers that do enough to cater to their very defintion of necessity. Sometimes, I exceed my expectations of myself. Some results may be higher than I should have got with the effort I had put in(or the lack thereof). And people uses these to craft the main image of me. Not just me, others obtain these exceptions too. Of course you have done something unexpected in your life. Of course you didn't expect it. But people always use exceptions. It's sad, how people strive for hope. No, not even strive. They wholeheartedly believe in it. It lives in their very soul. Crush the hope and a new one emerge. A hope that hope never fails. Crush even that and yet another one grows upon its corpse. True failure obtains less than it wishes to have. That is a good thing. And yet, I don't think it is for me. Perception so often differs.