Of single moments in life

Single moments. By that, I mean one of two of those moments where you feel at peace. I am not sure actually, whether "at peace" is the right phrase. This sense of not feeling anything at all. Nothing emotionally. Peaceful would be right  I think. The difference between that of the waves of the ocean and stagnant water. Right now, this moment is stagnant. There's no ripple. I do not feel like doing anything- maybe I am a little tired. Only that.

Months ago, I had a moment similar to this. It was in the afternoon. Blue sky, hot as hell, a little chirping. Mostly monotonous. I was boredom then. Emotionless and bored. Now, it's the same thing but instead of bored, it's fatigue. Partly because it's four in the morning and also because I have played so much since the A' levels. I don't know what I might find fun. Everything seem so mundane. I have been dabbling with magic trick. Trilogy from Dan and Dave. Advanced as hell and progress is slow. The whole day has been tiresome.

Well. I do know I anticipate the trip to Malaysia. And next year. Early of the year. Backpacking with my aunt from Osaka to Hokkaido. Tens of kilometres. I cannot wait. Yet, it's the present I am unsatisfied with. If I only look forward to the uncertain future, I seem to be detesting the certainty of the present. Everyone is so darn boring. And me. I bore myself.

It IS four. I think I won't sleep tonight. Enjoy the night breeze and the feeling of having nothing to enjoy. It's enjoyable really, living in a moment with nothing to do right now. :/

The Apocalypse. Well, yes, there's no hard evidence of it. Yes, I know- many people had predicted apocalypses that never did occur. But I do experience tinges of apprehension. I am no fan of Nostradamus. He is vague and is no wise sage. 45 degrees of fire. The Third World War. Our world tends towards chaos and that's what I fear. For every success, we fail at something. Except that we focus on our successes because mostly, it really is more pragmatic.

We get second in a competition and that is a success. But at the same time, it's a gigantic failure. We try not to think of First but we have failed. Win a fight and you lose the ideals of peace and pacifism. Everything requires a sacrifice and every choice we make are of that particular sacrifice to make. I know the possibility of an apocalypse is almost nil. Unfortunately the same was said of the world war. Read the right articles, listen to the right people and you can be persuaded on both sides. That I have to entertain the possibility worries me. It's improbable, an apocalypse, but being a fan of the saying "nothing is impossible" is working against me.

Our lack of knowledge is so profound, it's worrying. But wait. Why would I have to worry about ignorance if I have the apocalypse to worry about? Oh never mind, I will worry about the both of them at once.

Controlled ignorance is not really ignorance at all. Well, I will be in Penang by then. Set to December the 21st my watch and stuff.

It's dark and everyone's stuck at home, playing computer games. Enjoying their break. Some, their prom. But not me. I am torturing myself and I am only half-joking. Training with Eatdisc is enjoyable, truly so. Unless everyone's fit as hell and I am below average. Stamina takes time. Skill level is high. I learn a crap load. Mostly by my mistakes. They throw incomprehensible phrases around. Force home. Third handler role. And I pretend to understand. My throws aren't bad and they are fooled by me. So no one knows I actually know shit about frisbee. I barely even understand the role of a handler. So they taught me. Slowly.

Training's hell to me though. And I am the lousiest frisbee player, easily.

But the learning. Oh joy. So much to learn. The fear of losing. I suck, I truly do. Humiliating. In my school, I wasn't the best but I was quite a bit above average. There, I was the student. I was worse actually. I am really happy. Also kinda why I am blogging in short sentences. I realise I have a habit of blogging in long, convoluted sentences. But I blog in short sentences when I am excited about something. Oh look, I seem to be back at moderately long sentences. Reflection while blogging.

A butterfly I presume. Beautiful and vibrant on the dull ground. Tim found it. I almost stepped on it. Deep in thought about books. We were walking to the library after all. I did subconsciously avoided it. Colouful thingy on the ground I mean- anyone would step over that. And I got another two Orson books. And a wonderful Higashino book. Kinda hard to find though.

And 16th December. Othello Masters Invitational. Playing every night now. I can't wait. I really can't.

My life is fun-filled.

Idealism and big fonts

This is going to be long. Skip to BIGGER FONT for shorter post. Below the long shit.


I have never understood idealism.

Before I start this rant, I have to describe my brother. He's my split image. Extremely competitive and hate losing. Oh, he might tell you he didn't mind the loss; but he is sure to slip in the request for a rematch. And so we compete. Like rivals, us brothers compete and fight and punch. Sometimes, it's mental. Chess, maybe. Or the poring over black and white pieces in Reversi. We had a match today, for example, where he experimented with the Japan Open in 2009 opening. It failed miserably and I capitulated on it, crushing him. And I mock. We both do that a lot. Sometimes, it carries over to the relationships I have with people around me and I become patronising.

Though that wasn't the conflict today. Today was about League of Legends. It's a game where you control an avatar with powers. And the goal is to kill the other team and rack up gold for each kill. With more gold, you get stronger with unique weapons. You win once you bust the other team's headquarter. The headquarter is protected by towers, lotsa them. The game moves slowly, tower by tower, ambush by ambush, till we crush their base. Play this game long enough and you hit the level cap. Then, you get to play a special mode called Ranked.

It's the same in theory but much harder. There are metas and metas within metas. Ambushes become more deceptive, fights become more of a single war of attrition. Everyone gets paranoid. Now, all this has nothing to do with my rant but it sets up what we argued about.

Within the game, there are roles, of course. The one that protects everyone else, the mage, the fighter, the one that roams and start ambushes. There are quite a few.

In Ranked, my brother and I got stuck playing with newbies in one game. Doesn't sounds like much, till you find out each game takes an hour. Since you know you lose from the start, it's lotsa time wasted. Quit and you get a heavy penalty. The game punishes you for quitting to prevent players from indulging too much in throwing the game. People give up easy.

It is always annoying when these players come into the game not knowing a gun from a sword. You know you have lost and you can't do anything about it.

It gets worse. These people, similar to people in real life, like to push their views on people. They want you to fight their way, to buy the items best for you, to play the avatar they want instead of playing an avatar suiting the role of the team created.

Frustrating really. It's an hour long, remember. No one likes to lose from the start and not be allowed to quit. I have hit the level cap, along with my brother- that means 800 games. I have spent 800 hours in this game in the last two years. Quite a bit.

This is where the conflict with my brother and I begin. When these newbies throw a tantrum, telling me to play in a certain way, I play it. I let them control me. I play it damn well though, and slip in advice in the progress. I become the leader without them knowing it. That's how I win the game.

My brother, though, he hates losing. To people. He hates listening to them. Tell him to play character A and he plays B. My mother slapped him once as a child after losing her temper. My brother replied it needed more strength in it. That was when he was eight.

Now, not following what these newbies say would mean the newbies quit the game. They know there's a penalty. But they hardly care. You pissed them off and now, they are throwing a tantrum.

So I follow what they say and craft it to my needs. My brother would rather lose the game and do what he feel is right than follow the wrong advice of others. I win, my brother loses the game.






But with the loss, my brother gained his pride. So which is more important? Losing something but following your ideals? Or winning by being less idealistic in general? The degree of it shouldn't matter to the perfect idealistic man. Once one decided lying is wrong, do you compare the degree of wrong? Is it even effective? Lie to save a life- that one's easy. Lie to keep a friend. Quite a bit harder. Lie to get you out of homework. Morally debatable. Idealism is hard to get right until you decide to look at it more pragmatically. To issue certain degrees to everything, fixed degrees. Lie for A>B>C. 

But pragmatism degrades idealism. Idealism exist above our love for ourselves and others. It's a higher concept we follow even though logic dictates we don't. Really, I think I am right to do what I can to win a game. A computer game, I mean, come on. Why even play it if you had your pride to take care of?

But my brother would hate it. To win because he followed others' stupidity. To win only because he did the stupid things well. Or because the other team was stupider. 

I argued, calling him a fool. But I realise it's hard to tell who is more the fool.

Thinking game.

Some people feels intelligence is not genetic but environmental. This is largely an opinion that might disregard scientific studies- for what we know about intelligence is inconclusive. I know we don't know much so any opinion regarding intellect is often thought over and not dismissed immediately. It's a subject full of hypothesis I guess.

I am not sure where I stand in the intelligence thing. I am sure it's genetic; almost everything is. But at the same time, it should be obvious that the environment(education, books and whatnot) plays a part. There are extreme. Some feel that everyone's like a flower, blossoming away under the ideal education. Others feel that people are born trees- growth is slow and often negligible.

But really, it's often the definition of intelligence that is important. People care so much about it, even though it is an unknown. What they care about becomes the perception of the definition they feel others have. You do things you feel people might think is smart in order to have them regard you as smart. But in this whole exchange, the true definition of intelligence is hardly touched upon. No one knows what it is and if anyone were truly intelligent(by MY definition this time), they would know that.

So, if definition is impossible to define accurately, what do we have? What can we do? We have our thoughts. Our thoughts are our own. What people link to intelligence, I find, is simple thinking. My school's principal calls it critical thinking and has her definition of it. I believe it's flawed. Her critical thinking has morale, it has cross-referencing. While not entirely wrong, thinking ought to be much simpler.

Frankly, I don't believe in critical thinking. Critical thinking implies two different set of thinking, one's the normal kind and the other, the critical kind. To me, you think, or you don't.

Many has the habit to not think. Lazy thinkers. For example, chess. Learning chess is akin to only thinking when and how you like it. When you learn chess every Wednesday at 9pm, that is exactly the same as thinking every Wednesday at 9pm. That is, you "strain" your mind every Wednesday. Mental fatigue. But since you can train physically, thinking long hours, everyday every minute should be one's aim. Thinking is having your brain follow logic links. Not one link but multiple. Sherlock Holmes is a good example, if only heavily exaggerated.

You look at a puzzle and you think not one move, but multiple moves. In chess, you think about the opening but also the setting up for the mid-game. Only in life, when you get around, do you use a single logic link. You see the red on a tap, you think hot water. That's not thinking. Alright, that is- but it's so rudimentary that it might as well be a muscle memory, an instinct. Some people say they hate chess. When asked why, they will reply it's because it's a waste of time. Some says it's tiring. And that's the mindset many have. Little think fully and carefully. Most apply their thinking in single subjects- programming and expect opinions of their intelligence. Or reversi. Or math competitions. Worse still, they might stagnate. Best case scenario, you become a savant. Worst case, you are merely someone who is more competent than another who doesn't know his C++ to Python. But you lose so much more in life. Because you restrict yourself. Because you only want to think one thing. Just like 9pm chess.

My friend called it neuro-hacking. I still have little idea what it is, other than a fancy term than teaching yourself things many think unlikely to be taught. You get tired at first. But after a while, you think more. It might sound presumptuous of me, but life becomes a puzzle. Which is my mindset to life. Of course, others might find it less puzzle-like. It's only my metaphor. Too many intelligent people think only when they feel others expect them to. Someone thinking would apply it in all forms of life. Drink and think and you might invent a way to shorten the process. Should we gulp? Is it healthy? Read others' expression. From there, know what they hate and like. Make more friends then.

Oh, and someone asked why don't I post this on facebook. That's because I don't want to argue with people. I want to, actually, but I want to argue with people who are arguing because they disagree, and not because they think they can argue and thus want to argue. Roshan post his musings on facebook. But that's alright because they are all inspirational in nature. Arguing against those would means everyone looking at it looks down on you. Mine's a little more inflammatory in nature. My blog goes out to passer-bys who don't know who I am. It goes out to me too, so when I grow up, I get to argue with myself. I get to criticize things I feel stronger about. I think about how I think, in general. I even think about how I argue how to think.

Top 10 most read books.

I was looking through my old favourite book list. Ender's Game was first- is still first. It's always easier to find the better books through the last decades than in this one. People read more in the past; books were almost respected then. Now, depending on where you go, it's almost an elitist entity. Worse still, those that read, they read bad stinking books. Try as I might, I cannot see how one would call Hunger Games "original". Or the couple in Twilight loving. And please. I read them. I read the whole series of Hunger Games, right up to where Snow got shot. I read Twilight. I know what happened to them both.

I read them because if I were to denounce them, I better had read them. Hunger Games isn't bad the way Twilight is. Neither are the worst books I have seen. But they aren't the best. So why-oh why, is Twilight in the top ten most read books in the last 50 years? Darn. 

I can understand why Kafka isn't there, too old. Perhaps Grisham, too single-genre. Or King. Too scary. Maybe Orson Scott. C isn't there because people dislike science-fi. 

But Twilight. I can never get over the fact that that many people liked it. It's next to Gone With The Wind, dammit. And that was a classic. I don't want people to give my children a book list in which Twilight saga is a classic. Harry Potter is alright. My children can go ahead and read them. It is one of the best mainstream fantasy in awhile. And Bible. I sure hope my children read the Bible. I would want them to learn from it and make their ow choices about God. I think it might be too late for me. But my children- I will pop down every religious texts I find, slide them between Enid Bylton and Dahl. The Little Red Book. I am not sure about that. Some would find non-fiction dry. They don't need to read that one. 

I hope they read Twilight too. And laugh. They need to laugh at how it sold 43 million copies in 4 years. I will lend them Dracula. Read the original vampire tale I will tell them. 

I doubt book ninth is helpful. It can't spawn 30 million rich millionaires. Life don't work that way. Either my children write one or not read one. Tenth is a clincher. And fourth. I can't force them but I loved it more than Harry Potter. Not sure how many still do. And all these books I am writing now about- they aren't a rare find. They are a dime-a-dozen in the library. Most know of it. They just don't read it. I am not coming out with more esoteric Japanese authors. Nor even older ones like Flower for Algernon or Shadow of the Hegemon. Those, they have to find themselves and be proud of it when they do.

I cannot force them to read books I like. But I hope they read books they like. Better than not reading at all.

And being a reader of Twilight and also part of the general male populace, God, no Twlight. 

Reflections last night dreaming

My mom's a Catholic and my father's a Buddhist. That makes the luckiest boy on the block since I get to learn both and to reject both faith. I believe in a higher power. I would pray to someone, anyone, except that the restrictions of an organised religion makes my cynical mind flinch. The idea that someone exist who is an entity that have created it is sound- at least, in some ways. The advantages in believing in a moral higher entity is advantageous(though that makes religion sound pragmatic) and is rational.

The Devil's Proof is only for impossible situations. Not knowing something exist also equates to the lack of proof that something doesn't exist. And therein lies the main reason I don't have a religion.

Plus, come on. Pray to any God and the other strike you as a heathen. I would rather abstain from this vote. This way, I might still get struck by at least one but I need not worry whether I casted my vote right. I am pretty critical of religion, but only because the speakers of some of them are really really fucked up and discriminatory. If there's anything I hate, it's hypocrisy.

Still suspending my judgment on gay rights. I don't hate them- and should gays be criticized? Should there be a negative outlook on them by the Christian community? If there should be, is it rationally sound?

Religion. Bloody complicated stuff. Instead of entering one and rationalising that my thoughts belong to myself, that I can take my own meanings from it blah blah blah, I would rather read the Bible, the Quran and sutras. This way I learn and need not commit.

Don't hate religion though. Some atheists too. They are idiots. Mostly, they do it for the superiority.

"Oh you believe in god? What a retard." And this more or less sum up some of my atheist friends. Great people, modest and all but only speak to them about religion and...bam. Make no mistake, such a mindset is not just of the more radical folks. What a sad world we live in. So nuanced there are no longer just extremes but shades of them.

Busy ant at work

It has been a long time. Couple of days since the Big As' and I am sure every A levels' bloggers are like me- not updating the blog due to the fun of it all.

Ever since it ended, I have been at a loss. A quote from a friend would be "losing meaning in life." A joke, but a joke with intent to mock. It's quite true. Being Asian, study is everything. And even for those lazy buggers, when A levels come, they study anyway. Hours after hours spent at the table. It's not fun. Not sticking your butt on the chair for at least 3 hours guarantee a guilt complex of some degree. I still think studying makes one stupider. So there.

What have I been doing since it ended? Actually, I have little idea. It has been a flurry of activities. Frisbee, most of all. And computer games. Like most people my age, computer gaming is a huge part of our lives. The only thing that differ is the games and the degree. But I detest the long hours. It's the concept of diminishing returns. Many don't feel it but the fun you get lessen with the time you spent. It's tiring and it's straining. Frisbee remains my favourite sport for now- and I indulge in chess and reversi. Reversi/othello- I hope I end up in the national team within the next 2 years, not counting in National Service(where we serve our country with flair and glory). For frisbee, I don't have a structured coach, I learn from people who have one though- and we are know how that all goes. Learn from someone moderately compepent and you match your skill level to a percentage of his. It's that darn inferiority complex. You improve insofar you realise your mistakes. Few realise that when someone is teaching and you reach his or her standards of the subject taught, you hit a plateau. That is, improvement stops.

It's how long one spend there that counts in the ability to reach the next highest level. I don't think I can play for the country- the training is harsh and tiring. I lack the willpower. I think I am a fast learner- I know, I know, that's what everyone says. Problem with that is once you think you understand yourself, you either don't, or people think it's arrogance.

"Kinda of a heads you lose tails he win" situation. Anyway. I am playing frisbee with my brother and training with teams with national players in them. Top Club level. Not National. But this way, I get to see the National players at play in their club.

If it sounds confusing, it's kinda like a first- position Brazil club in Division 1 compared to Brazil's national team level. When they play, the score's gonna be 2-0, 3-1. Not a trashing but since Brazil took most of the best club players, it's an obvious outcome. Ceterus Paribus.

So yes. This holiday. It's all about stopping my boredom and in the process, get darn good at the stuff I like.